Le Raconteur #1 -- Strip Smash
Raconteur (n.) – One who tells stories and anecdotes with skill and wit.
I figure I’ll do these semi-periodically, some things I want to write a blurb about either to chronicle it on the blog, or two put my own two cents in where Chris may have already.
Whether or not it occurs with any degree of skill and wit is up to you.
Here we go!
Embarrassment Session @ The Gold Club
Strip clubs aren’t really my scene. Typically assy music, smoke filled interiors filled with cheap debauchery (I prefer my vices to be of a slightly higher class) and people bent on sucking every last dollar out of my pocket. I like naked stuff as much as the other guy, but quality over quantity is something that applies to several facets of life… especially naked stuff. For me, anyways.
But, a number of my friends have taken up occupations there (AS BARTENDERS!), and a couple of my friends like naked stuff a great deal. Ever the one to be swayed by a bit of good old fashioned ego stroking (“C’mon Alex, come with us! It’ll be fun, because you’ll be there!!”) .
Plus, pool is free. So, I’ll go, I say. Play some Cutthroat, hit some really lucky shots like I always do and watch Phil’s jaw drop on occasion. Fun fun. I learned that a very few (like 3) girls there are worth diverting my attention to center stage, so it wasn’t all bad.
Little did I know that Rhi was conducting surreptitious reconnaissance, trying to find out what girls I thought were attractive throughout the night.
WHY?
For an embarrassment session.
For the uninitiated, that’s when your friends pay 60$ of hard-earned cash to laugh at you, amidst a _+forum of strangers.+
I was made to go up on stage, sit down, wrap my hands around the pole, while two women writhed and slid all over my half-laughing, half-fucking scared body. I imagine the idea is to make the man in question pop wood before the next segment, but I practice the Zen Art of Embarrassment-Based Erectile Diffusion. Tough stuff.
Next, they made me lap-dance one of the strippers. The less we talk about the better. >_>
Then they flogged me with a soft cat-o-ninetails. It was pretty wussy. I tried to egg them on to hit me harder, but they couldn’t hack it. So I felt pretty good about that. BRING IT ON!!
All in all, it was fun, but if it happens again… I’m going to add “Spontaneous Human Combustion Arsonist” to my resume.
Smash Tournamant @ AASU
Chris already talked about this for the most part, but I just wanted to touch upon it a little more. (Haha, yeah right.)
I’ve always had closet aspirations to become a “Pro Smash Player”. I have the highest win ratio in Brawl, and towards the last couple years of the Melee-era, Chris and I were head champs back and forth.
I think I have a grasp on the mechanics and the timing that is the foundation for a “pro player,” and if there’s going to be any game I’m going to excel at… it might as well be this one. There’s no way I’m going to master any other fighting game… too much nonsense.
But I always held the thought that I would be the “honorable pro.” I don’t believe in edge-hogging— the practice of grabbing the edge so your opponent can’t on his recovery. It’s easier to get around this in Brawl, but it’s still in use. I just don’t think it’s very honorable. I fully exercise my ability to throw shit and pound your ass on your way, but I’m not going to bitch out and grab the edge so you can’t. Doesn’t seem fair to me.
I equate it to starting a fight with a guy, and going immediately for the groin.
It just smacks of desperation. Not skill.
That being said, at the tourney, there was a Pit player I went head-to-head with in practice, and we had an AWESOME match. He beat me by a hair, which made me feel really good. His team almost came in second. But as soon as the dickery & cheapness reared their ugly heads… I was at a loss.
Chris and I got trounced the first match, and we stood better in our second, but I couldn’t keep up with a kamikaze Bowser who kept taking me out at 0%. Frustrating.
The third match was a lot different. It was a massacre. And at one-point in particular brightened my day drastically. I like to play as Peach & Toon Link (and now Snake!)… because I love playing with items. With these characters, I get access to items even when they are all turned off. It means a lot to me, because I like to play bait & switch with item throws and fakes.
So I’m playing with Peach and I am so lucky as to yank a Beam Sword. On the third match of all of them. But whatever. Thus began the onslaught of throws, mid-air catches and face-melting combos. Everyone in the crowd either cheered at this nunchuk-like style of swordplay, or shat their pants that I “hacked” somehow to get a item. I couldn’t help but titter.
I wish I had a video. It was majestic.
~LX loves to tell stories. Can’t you tell? No you can’t, because you already scrolled past my wall of text.
